my smiles

A while back, I decided I wanted to get involved in the choir in my church.  I missed singing and needed an outlet.  I LOVED the variety the Minister of Music brought to each service, and wanted to be a part of it. Even though I always enjoyed singing, I never really felt comfortable doing it on my own for fear of being judged and dropping through the trap door in the pulpit (silly, I know).  I remember the first time I was asked to do a solo in front of the church congregation at Easter. You know, the one where everyone comes out of the woodwork to attend the service, so they brought in "extra chairs" for those souls that wanted to be saved that morning.  I knew my style-not necessarily fitting for a Methodist church, only in the privacy of my shower, kitchen or living room- bluesy, sultry, vocal improvisation...everything but slinking on the grand piano, so to speak. However, I found one. One with  a message that even the “extra chairs” could understand and appreciate.


"Were You There " arranged by Crystal Lewis.


It was just a piano on the track. I didn't know anyone at that time to play for me so, my point? It was me and a whole lotta eyeballs looking AT me. I remember the nerves, the shakes, the breathing... I was a mess.  In my bold attempt to agree to do this, I failed to confess to myself, the music director and his wife that I suffer from SEVERE stage fright, even while competing on the big stage at the Mabee Center way back when.  It was too late now. My name was in the program.  I was front and center and the music was cued. No turning back.


“Damn”....oh yes I did, but to myself. (God understood).


Man -Child and Endless Pit were strategically placed sitting next to their daddy.  I loved to sing to them and with them at home and knew they would want to be a part of hearing mommy sing for the first time at church.  I remember closing my eyes during the intro, praying I would a) start on key, b) remember the words and c) ask God to forgive me... because I was going to fail this attempt in telling this story that I so badly wanted people to open their hearts and apply accordingly.  Raising the microphone to position- and yes, my eyes still closed- it was time to "throw it out there". The first phrase, I heard myself resound over the sanctuary. Continuing on, I realized I had to do the unthinkable.  I had to open my eyes.  This was not for me, this was for the congregation and the performer in me knew I had to acknowledge them. Slowly I opened my eyes, looked toward the back and there was Man- Child, leaning out toward the aisle so I could see his big brown eyes. He was smiling, hanging on every word and note I delivered. Then I saw Endless Pit’s baby blues right beside him, equally as entertained.  Deliver I did… completely outta the ball park.


My boys are my smiles, my reason to sing, and my comfort and confidence in knowing that yes, through Christ, I can do all things. :)